\n<\/p>\n
\n\u201cThe point is, you told everybody that you were going to be different. You weren\u2019t going to turn out like your mean old dad who was so horrible to you when you were growing up. So we sat back, we let you spend your wild teen years experimenting with your ridiculous ideas of checks and balances, because deep down, we knew that once you got that nonsense out of your system, you\u2019d be back. In fact, if I may sing from \u2018Hamilton.\u2019\u201d [sounds pitch pipe]<\/em> \u2014 JOHN OLIVER<\/em><\/p>\n
\u201cWhat I\u2019m saying is, let me be the first to welcome America to its monarchy era. Congratulations, everyone, you can now take your place in the pantheon of great empires alongside the British, the Roman, the Klingon, Wakanda, whatever one Babar the elephant was the ruler of, I forget.\u201d \u2014 JOHN OLIVER<\/em><\/p>\n
\u201c<\/strong>What I\u2019m saying is, don\u2019t fight being a monarchy, Jon, embrace it. Kings get [expletive]<\/em> done. Now, is it stuff that you want done? Not necessarily. But they do move quick! They taste cumin at lunch, and they\u2019ve taken over an entire continent by dinner time. That is how the British rolls, Jon. [Expletive]<\/em> everyone else. They\u2019re not like us. In fact, if I may sing a line from Mr. Kendrick Lamar.\u201d [sounds pitch pipe]<\/em> \u2014 JOHN OLIVER<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
Stewart pushed back against \u201cAmbassador Oliver,\u201d saying that the imperial model may not suit America: \u201cNot to be shortsighted, but, spoiler alert, John, things didn\u2019t end up so great for the British Empire.\u201d<\/p>\n
\n\u201cWe are technically between empires at the moment, but we\u2019re keeping our castles warm and our crowns bejeweled for the day that we get back onto our feet.\u201d \u2014 JOHN OLIVER<\/em><\/p>\n
\u201cHave you seen anything America has done over the last 50 years? Because for a country that doesn\u2019t want to be an empire, you\u2019re doing a pretty [expletive]<\/em> good impression of one right now: invasions, economic exploitations, and now, suggesting turning Gaza into a beachfront casino? Even King George would have been, like, \u2018I don\u2019t know, guys. Feels like the situation\u2019s a bit more complicated than that, and I\u2019m literally dying of medieval brain disease.\u2019\u201d \u2014 JOHN OLIVER<\/em><\/p>\n
\u201cThis shouldn\u2019t be a sad time. The arc of history is so long it eventually becomes a circle, and you end up right where you started. You might even call it the circle of life. In fact, if I may sing the great imperial subject Sir Elton John\u2019s opening Zulu chant from \u2018The Lion King.\u2019\u201d[sounds pitch pipe]<\/em> \u2014 JOHN OLIVER<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
The Punchiest Punchlines (Less-Than-Super Bowl Edition)<\/h2>\n
\n\u201cDuring his Fox News interview last night before the Super Bowl, President Trump said that he was backing the Kansas City Chiefs. Oh man, that sure didn\u2019t work out. Who else \u2014 who were you backing last night, Drake?\u201d \u2014 SETH MEYERS<\/em><\/p>\n
\u201cPresident Trump attended last night\u2019s Super Bowl in New Orleans and saluted during the national anthem. Also, when the concessions guy came by: \u2018[imitating Trump]<\/em> Thank you for your service.\u2019\u201d \u2014 SETH MEYERS<\/em><\/p>\n
\u201cThe game was over very, very early on. There was no three-peat for the Chiefs. You almost had to feel sorry for the Chiefs, as weird as that sounds. Not only did they get blown out, they got blown out on Tubi, of all places.\u201d \u2014 JIMMY KIMMEL<\/em><\/p>\n
\u201cTrue, the Chiefs lost by 18 points and did not score at all in the first half, or as CNN put it, \u2018too close to call.\u2019\u201d\u2014 GREG GUTFELD<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n