a dazzling interpreter of Balanchine ballets<\/a>. Her virtuosic dancing matched her theatrical effervescence. Her sparkle was never put on \u2014 she was never the type to hide how happy dancing makes her feel.<\/p>\nBut over the last couple of years, she said, she had been questioning her every move. \u201cFinally I\u2019m feeling like I can do it again,\u201d Bouder said. \u201cLike not be nervous that they\u2019re going to judge me because my leg\u2019s not high enough. Or if I didn\u2019t hit that fifth. Or if I\u2019m going to get tired because I don\u2019t know what kind of shape I\u2019m in.\u201d<\/p>\n
In other words, all of those anxiety-producing feelings that, she said, make your shoulders rise and your dancing smaller. \u201cSo I\u2019m finally, like, just\u201d \u2014 she exhaled deeply \u2014 \u201clet it go<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\nThere were moments during our interview when Bouder\u2019s voice shook and her eyes welled with tears. But she was just as prone to laughter as spoke about the ups and downs of her career. \u201cFirebird\u201d was a high. Tracey is proud of her for choosing that ballet as her send-off.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
\n
\n
\u201cIt means a lot to her and it means a lot to the ballet to have her leave her imprint on it,\u201d Tracey said. \u201cShe will be remembered in that role.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
\n
\n
When Bouder danced it at 17, she had only two hours of rehearsal. \u201cI remember that Kay Mazzo was there,\u201d she said, referring to a former principal and chairman of faculty at the school. \u201cI didn\u2019t know when to enter because the music is very murky in the beginning, and it\u2019s Stravinsky, and I hadn\u2019t even seen that part of the ballet.\u201d<\/p>\n
She had danced in the ballet before, playing a monster. But \u201cI had never watched the beginning of it,\u201d she said. \u201cSo Kay stood behind me and she goes, \u2018OK, bend over\u2019\u201d \u2014 the Firebird enters leaning forward like a soaring bird \u2014 \u201cand she pushed me so I could run out.\u201d<\/p>\n
Bouder triumphed in many more roles after that storied debut, including Balanchine\u2019s \u201cBallo Della Regina,\u201d \u201cStars and Stripes\u201d and \u201cTarantella.\u201d But she faced challenges in those early years too. While the onstage and studio part of dancing was great, \u201cthe social aspect was terrible,\u201d she said, and described one show \u201cthat was absolutely horrifying.\u201d<\/p>\n
She danced in three ballets on that program. For the final one, she needed to switch from pink tights and pointe shoes to white. When she returned to her spot to put on her white shoes, they were gone.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe ribbons were all cut off,\u201d she said, \u201cand the shoes were destroyed in different trash cans around the dressing room.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
\n
\n
She ended up performing in a colleague\u2019s shoes that were a half a size too big. (She packed them with extra toe pads.) \u201cWe were all kids at that point,\u201d Bouder said. \u201cI got bullied a lot. There were certain colleagues that if I was walking down the hallway, they would say things like, \u2018I hope you fall tonight.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
\n
\n
Now City Ballet has a Human Resources department, something Bouder wishes had been around when she was coming up. \u201cI grew a really thick skin to the point where people were like, \u2018Well, she\u2019s prickly.\u2019 And I\u2019m like, yes,<\/em> but if you had been treated the way I have, you pull the wall up. You are not getting in here. And it took me a long time to reverse that.\u201d<\/p>\nRecent experiences have been wounding, too. In 2022, she posted on Instagram that a board member had told her that \u201cthey don\u2019t mind the extra weight on me.\u201d<\/p>\n
Before that Bouder said she had been taken out of a performance, \u201cbecause the costume showcased my \u2018problem area.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n
She fell into a deep depression. \u201cIt\u2019s like I didn\u2019t want to work,\u201d she said. \u201cI couldn\u2019t lose the weight because I didn\u2019t want to work. It wasn\u2019t eating too much or doing something like that, but it\u2019s just like I couldn\u2019t get the energy.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
\n
\n
She added, \u201cone of the things that I\u2019m excited to let go of is the constant scrutiny of every part of my body.\u201d<\/p>\n
Tracey, a former soloist with City Ballet, has watched Bouder evolve as a person and a dancer. \u201cShe was able to always navigate through the pressure,\u201d Tracey said. \u201cI think that is a testament to her mental toughness and that ability to take hard situations and make them her own \u2014 to be able to work through the difficulties of any particular ballet or situation in the workplace.\u201d<\/p>\n
For her next act, Bouder is now in the middle of applying for nonprofit status with a new organization, Ashley Bouder Arts, which will include educational elements like workshops in different dance forms; continue her performance group, Ashley Bouder Project, with a choreographic lab; and start a summer dance festival that would tour the Northeast.<\/p>\n
\u201cI would love to keep dancing,\u201d she said. \u201cIt\u2019s funny because a lot of people say, I\u2019m ready to hang up my pointe shoes, get rid of the pointe shoes. I love<\/em> my pointe shoes.\u201d<\/p>\nAs for \u201csquishing into a leotard,\u201d as she put it? Not so much.<\/p>\n
\u201cI think that just the past couple of years have really destroyed me forever really wanting to do that again,\u201d she said. \u201cI want to still dance, but I don\u2019t want to be in a leotard and tights in front of 2,000 people anymore.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n