\n<\/p>\n
Come on, you didn\u2019t really think that \u201cSaturday Night Live\u201d would begin this weekend with a parody of the third Republican presidential debate<\/a>, did you?<\/p>\n OK, let\u2019s indulge this little fantasy for a moment and pretend that this broadcast \u2014 hosted by Timoth\u00e9e Chalamet and featuring the musical guest boygenius<\/a> \u2014 might actually open on a sketch featuring the candidates who aren\u2019t Donald J. Trump, impersonated by the \u201cS.N.L.\u201d cast including Heidi Gardner as Nikki Haley, John Higgins as Ron DeSantis and Ego Nwodim as Vivek Ramaswamy.<\/p>\n Well, not long after Gardner and Nwodim reenacted a testy exchange<\/a> between Haley and Ramaswamy and Devon Walker (as Tim Scott) began to rhapsodize about his girlfriend, the entire sketch was frozen and the lights were dimmed on the debate stage.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n Enter James Austin Johnson, in his recurring role as Trump: \u201cHow adorable,\u201d he said, mocking the other candidates. \u201cThey actually think they\u2019ve got a chance. Sad in some ways, but in other ways, funny. Can you believe it, folks? Ninety-one indictments, four trials. And I\u2019m still the best choice. They\u2019re all stuck behind me and there\u2019s nothing they can do about it. Just like in real life.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n Johnson went on to mock the low poll ratings of his Republican rivals: \u201cOne percent, very low,\u201d he said, indicating Walker. \u201cLower than, frankly, milk. Apparently there\u2019s a milk lower than 1 percent. People are calling it skim, we\u2019ve never had it, we don\u2019t drink it.\u201d<\/p>\n And he offered a satirical meta-commentary on Higgins, the actor playing DeSantis. \u201cPoor Ron DeSantis,\u201d Johnson said. \u201cEven \u2018S.N.L.\u2019 doesn\u2019t think he has a chance. If they did, it\u2019d be like Paul Rudd or something in there, right?\u201d<\/p>\n But mostly, he talked about himself: \u201cIsn\u2019t it sad, folks?\u201d Johnson said. \u201cNone of them can beat Joe Biden. The worst president since, frankly, me.\u201d Why hasn\u2019t Trump appeared at the debates? As Johnson explained it: \u201cI\u2019m very, very busy. I\u2019m going from trial to trial. I\u2019m basically doing \u2018House Hunters\u2019 but with courtrooms.\u201d<\/p>\n Johnson complained about the fact that he was being put on trial at all: \u201cThey\u2019re saying I committed fraud,\u201d he said. \u201cNot true, OK? Not true. I\u2019ve committed a lot of things. Adultery, treason, a lot of fraud, perhaps.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n But on the witness stand, Johnson said he was on his best behavior: \u201cThe judge asks, \u2018Did you approve these financial reports?\u2019\u201d he explained. \u201cAnd I very respectfully say, \u2018You\u2019re a dumb-ass. This is a sham. When I\u2019m president again, I\u2019ll have you executed.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n Bringing the debate and the sketch to a conclusion, Johnson said, \u201cI\u2019ll pick one of these lucky five to be my VP, or in many ways, I will not at all. Maybe in my third term.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n Chalamet, who was hosting \u201cS.N.L.\u201d for the second time, expressed relief that a deal had been reached<\/a> between the actors of the SAG-AFTRA union and the Hollywood entertainment studios, ending a monthslong strike and allowing him to flog upcoming projects like his film \u201cWonka.\u201d<\/p>\nOpening monologue of the week<\/h2>\n